01.11.13

Currently Playing: Deerhunter - Agoraphobia

Proverbs 31:30

Today I decided to Google search a devotion for women. I came to a devotion called "Girlfriends in God." The devotion talked about a Christian woman who had been destroyed by the constant want to conform herself to the ideal or perfect person. At the end of the devotion it there was a very interesting contrast in which I'll quote below.

"In that moment, Denise felt the weight of truth, and finally crumbled. Her previous casual attempts to allow God to intervene were now replaced with sincere cries for help."

The thing about humans is that we think we can do it on our own. We ask God to help change us when we aren't willing to change ourselves. We can't just ask God to help us when we aren't even sincerely wanting change.  I think that's one thing I need to start learning. With exams and university acceptance/rejection letters coming up, I need to lean on God more than ever. I'm constantly finding myself putting myself down or telling myself I'm not good enough. I need to realize that I cannot do this alone, instead with God's help, with good or bad results, I know that He will choose the right thing for me. In fact, he already has! God I ask that you'll help remind me that I'm not only living my life as a human being that loves You.

God, I have a confession to make. I feel like I'm swaying and my friends who can sometimes be bad influences are truly getting to me. I know that I've been with them for over three years and I don't know, I'm only now starting to notice how much of this person that I've become. I have urges to swear and immoral thoughts. I just need your help God. Please help to govern me and anchor my soul.

In the devotion, the author talked about her beautiful friend. And honestly, I don't think I'm anyone's beautiful friend. I have terrible acne and uneven eyes. I just don't think I'm very beautiful. I'm really self concious and I really don't like it when people comment about what I'm wearing or what I look like. I find that my friends judge me a lot and their comments are the ones that hurt the most. I just wish they wouldn't say such things about me to my face. Like not terrible but I just feel worse after hearing it. Honestly I don't know how I'm going to get married with this face. And no I'm not suicidal or anything, I'm not going to kill myself because I'm ugly. Yes I have mental breakdowns in my bathroom sometimes because my face is so red, fat and bumpy. But I'm learning to accept it. It just hurts when others can't accept it. And when people tell me ways to get rid of it. Shut up. Shut up please. You have no idea how it feels. No drinking water does not help my situation. Drinking Chinese soup is not going to help me. Nothing works. And I just want a new face, or at least new skin. I hear skin transplants are possible these days.

I didn't do my mathematics review today and that sort of scares me because what if I continue this "not doing mathematics" cycle up? Let's hope I can wake up tomorrow and do both my homework and two days worth of review.

Well, there are other things that happened to me at school today but honestly I'm too frustrated and tired of everything to write it in today's blog post. I just want to sleep.

I also would like a cat.

Thanks God for loving me,

Please help me get over my pimples.

Love,

Whitney